Wednesday, August 26, 2009

pointless? not sure yet.

just follow me on twitter.

i barely go on this anymore.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

lykeee ohmygahhh

let's go back to school!

i'm actually excited, not gonna lie.

the big senior year, equipped with dominance, drama, and of course, datelessness.


i need you here :/

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Friday, July 17, 2009

hey, my life in a song...

before i fall too fast
kiss me quick, but make it last
so i can see how badly this will hurt me
when you say goodbye

keep it sweet, keep it slow
let the future pass, and don't let go
but tonight i could fall too soon
to this beautiful moonlight

but you're so hypnotizing
you've got me laughing while i sing
you've got me smiling in my sleep
and i can see this unraveling
your love is where i'm falling
but please don't catch me

see this heart won't settle down
like a child running scared from a clown
i'm terrified of what you'll do
my stomach screams just when i look at you

run far away so i can breathe
even though you're far from suffocating me
i cant set my hopes too high
cause every hello ends with a goodbye

but you're so hypnotizing
you've got me laughing while i sing
you've got me smiling in my sleep
and i can see this unraveling
your love is where i'm falling
but please don't catch me

so now you see why i'm scared
i can't open up my heart without a care
but here i go, it's what i feel
and for the first time in my life i know it's real

but you're so hypnotizing
you've got me laughing while i sing
you've get me smiling in my sleep
and I can see this unraveling
your love is where i'm falling
so please don't catch me

if this is love please don't break me
i'm giving up so just catch me

Monday, July 13, 2009

i is a theif for stealin this quote from somebody's blog.

but i love it.

"There have been several times where I have been trapped under wreckage where for months I agonized and longed to be pulled out while it felt like God was being so quiet, yet in his timing he eventually did pull me out, revealing himself to me along with understanding and took me further than I could think. Yet somehow even having experienced such divine rescue and moments of such supernatural engagement, I began to forget once things began to run fairly smooth for long enough, or I should say more so when things became so busy. I’ve just been thinking about all of these things lately. I wonder how many times the word “Remember” is used in the greatest book of promises and love stories…"
-Bryce Avery, The Rocket Summer

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

truth in quite a few words.

I’m emo, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I’m a negro so I MUST carry a gun.
I’m blond, so I MUST be a ditz.
I’m Jamaican so I MUST smoke weed.
I’m Haitian so I MUST eat cat.
I’m Asian, so I MUST be sexy.
I’m Jewish, so I MUST be greedy.
I’m Gay, so I MUST have AIDS.
I’m a Lesbian, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I’m Arab, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I speak my mind, so I MUST be a bitch.
I’m a gay rights supporter, so I WILL go to hell.
I’m a Christian, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I’m Religious, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I’m Atheist so I MUST hate the world.
I don’t have a Religion, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I’m Republican, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I’m Democrat, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am Liberal, so I MUST be gay.
I’m southern, so I MUST be white trash.
I take (or used to take) anti-depressants, so I MUST be crazy.
I’m a guy, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I’m Irish, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I’m Indian, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I’m Native American, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I’m a cheerleader, so I MUST be a whore.
I’m a dancer, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear skirts a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I’m a punk, so I MUST do drugs.
I’m rich, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I wear black, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I’m a white girl, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I’m Cuban, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I’m not a virgin, so I MUST be easy.
I fell in love with a married man, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I’m a teenage mom, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I’m Polish, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I’m Italian, so I MUST have a “big one”.
I’m Egyptian, so I MUST be a Terrorist.
I’m pretty, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I have straight A’s, so I MUST have no social life.
I dye my hair crazy colors, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I’m into theater and arts, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I’m a vegetarian, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I have a bunch of male friends, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I have a bunch of female friends, so I MUST be a player.
I have big boobs, so I MUST be a hoe.
I’m Colombian, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I wear what I want, so I MUST be a poser.
I’m Russian, so I MUST be cool and that’s how Russians roll.
I’m German, so I MUST be a Nazi.
I hang out with gays, so I MUST be gay too.
I’m Brazilian, so I MUST have a big butt.
I’m Puerto-Rican, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I’m Salvadorian, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I’m Polish, so I MUST be greedy.
I’m Hawaiian so I MUST be lazy.
I’m Peruvian, so I MUST like llamas.
I’m Lithuanian, so I MUST be old-fashioned and stupid.
I’m a stoner, so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I’m a virgin, so I MUST be prude
I’m straight edge, so I must be violent.
I’m a female gamer, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I’m black so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I’m a girl who actually eats lunch, so I MUST be fat.
I’m single, so I MUST be ugly.
I’m a skater, so I MUST do weed and steal stuff.
I’m a punk, so I MUST only wear black and date only other punks.
I’m Asian, so I MUST be a nerd that does homework 24/7.
I’m Christian, so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I’m mixed, so I MUST be screwed up.
I’m Muslim, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I’m in band, so I MUST be a dork
I’m black, so I MUST believe “Jesus wuz a brotha”.
I’m Mormon, so I MUST be perfect.
I’m white and have black friends, so I MUST think I’m black.
I’m goth, so I MUST worship the devil.
I’m Hispanic, so I MUST be dirty.
I’m not like everyone else, so I MUST be a loser.
I’m overweight, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I’m preppy, so I MUST shun those who don’t wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I’m on a dance team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I’m young, so I MUST be naive.
I’m rich, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I’m Mexican, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I got a car for my birthday, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I’m black, so I MUST love watermelon.
I’m bi-sexual, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I’m an Asian guy, so I MUST have a small penis.
I’m a guy cheerleader, so I MUST be gay.
I’m a prep, so I MUST be rich.
I don’t like the sun, so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of friends, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight pants and I’m a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn’t hurt a fly, so I MUST be a pussy.
I support gay rights, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have artistic talent, so I MUST think little of those who don’t.
I don’t like to be in a big group, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a different sense of humor, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people off, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets greasy a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I’m defensive, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I’m a nudist, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read comics, so I MUST be a loser
I hang out with a former prostitute, so I MUST be a whore myself.
I’m Texan, so I MUST ride a horse.
I’m a goth, so I MUST be a Satanist.
I’m a cross-dresser, so I must be homosexual.
I draw anime, so I MUST be a freak.
I am a fangirl, so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I watch porn, so I MUST be perverted.
I’m an only child, so I MUST be spoiled.
I’m intelligent, so I MUST be weak.
I am American, so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I’m Welsh, so I MUST love sheep
I’m a young writer, so I MUST be emo.
I’m Canadian, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I’m a guy, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I’m Canadian, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I’m Disabled, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I’m a feminist, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I’m a teenager, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I wear a big sunhat when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like blood, so I MUST be a vampire.
I’m an Albino, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and a murderer.
I’m English, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth
I’m white, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I’m not the most popular person in school, so I MUST be a loser.
I care about the environment, I MUST be a tree hugging hippie.
I chat, so I MUST be having cyber-sex.
I’m Pagan, so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins.
I’m Pagan, so I MUST worship Satan.
I’m Conservationist, so I MUST be against abortion.
I’m Swedish, so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I’m a lesbian, so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like cartoons, so I MUST be irresponsible.
I like reading, so I MUST be a loner
I have my own spiritual ideology, so I MUST be wrong or misguided.
I am Wiccan, so I MUST be a Satanist.
I disagree with my government, so I MUST be a terrorist
I am a witch, so I MUST be an old hag and fly on a broomstick.
I don’t cuss, so I MUST be an outcast.
I like games, anime, and comics, so I MUST be childish.
I’m Swedish, therefore I MUST be white.
I spot grammatical errors, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I’m gothic, so I MUST be mean.
I’m strong, so I MUST be stupid
I’m Australian, so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.
I go to Renaissance Fairs, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times.
I’m gay, so I MUST be after every straight guy around.
I don’t want a boyfriend, so I MUST be Lesbian.
I’m not Christian, so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I drink and smoke, so I MUST have not have a life.
I am friends with a cutter, so I MUST be a cutter too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I can’t help pointing out mistakes, so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist.
I’m a perfectionist, so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake.
I don’t like to talk about my personal life, so I MUST be having problems.

Monday, June 29, 2009

uh yeah.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

i love loving a song. it can't get old for some reason.

time is on our side
if we use it right regrets are faded
coming together
is better than
never letting go
of the feeling you let in
i can't imagine living alone
and containing
my every little thought inside my head

home-danger is my middle name

Thursday, June 18, 2009

a rant of sorts.

tonight i left my friend's house at about 11:35, and i just arrived home, at 12:40ish, from driving around my town. and thinking.

i've heard so many metaphors and similes as to what life is....
life's not a game to me.
life's not a bitch to me.
life's not a picnic to me.
life's not a highway to me.
life's not a lot of things for me.

i'm so sick of having to categorize myself.
even in a simple theory of what life means to me, i'm finding it hard to escape the ever-so tight lines of conformity.
is there ever a way to be original?
will anyone ever be able to sit there and say "i'm just me, i'm not like anyone else."?

why is it that each and every time you say something, you're thrown into a stereotype?
all people were not intended to be the same, that's for sure, but if we were meant to be individuals, why is it that all we do as humans is strive to be with ones that are alike ourselves?
what sense does that even make to begin with?

who am i?

i'm so confused.

if i say that i think life's a bitch, does that make me emo?
if i say that i think life's a picnic, does that make me an over-ecstatic prep?
if i say that i think life's a game, does that make me a lost soul; confused in their own heart?

where's the option for 'allison's mind'?

where can i go to say that my life is not like anyone else's, and that i just want to be myself... an original?

life to me is hard; but life to me is beautiful.

i'm past the point of caring if people think i'm a prep, or an emo, or a scenster.

i just wish it was easier for people to see me.
you know, the person that's really not like everyone else?
the one who's just living?
oh wait... is there even a difference?

there's gotta be another way to find myself...
one that doesn't include finding my own yellow-brick road to follow.

my life can't be defined by a simple click of my heels.
it's not all about where i am, where i'm going, or where i've been.
it's about how i'm doing it and who i trust to be there all the while.

that is what makes my life what it is:
my life is a tangled mess of emotions amidst a group of people who have the power to touch my heart more than they will ever know, and as i continue down my path, my life will be a constant ray of sunshine that only gets blocked by temporary clouds... for my life... is beautiful.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


it's so hard to differentiate between the sides of change.
because no matter what you do with change, there's always gonna be a good side and a bad side.

tomorrow, for instance, i'm putting purple streaks in my hair.
i feel like that's a good change, but it could go horribly wrong (knock on wood) and all my hair could fall out or something.

then, in 59 days, i'm losing someone to a few hour distance.
this one is screaming bad change to me... but i feel like something good could definitely come out of it in the end.

there's countless examples of this, and i just hate the fact that i can never make a decision because i'm always analyzing both sides.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

well then.

when is it that i'm supposed to just change my life around?

Monday, June 8, 2009


if time was still
the sun would never, never find us
we can light up
the sky tonight
i see the warmth in your eyes
leave it all behind

if it's you and me forever,
if it's you and me right now
that'd be alright, be alright
if we chase the stars to lose our shadow
peter pan and wendy turned out fine
so won't you fly with me?

oh yeah
gotta fly with me now

now the past
has come alive and given meaning
and a reason
to give all I can
to believe once again

if it's you and me forever,
if it's you and me right now
that'd be alright, be alright
if we chase the stars to lose our shadow
peter pan and wendy turned out fine
So won't you fly with me?

maybe you were just afraid
knowing you were miles away
from the place where you needed to be
and that's right here with me

you and me forever,
you and me right now
i'd be alright

if we chase the stars to lose our shadow
peter pan and wendy turned out fine
so won't you fly with me?

if it's you and me forever,
if it's you and me right now
i'd be alright, be alright
if we chase the stars to lose our shadow
peter pan and wendy turned out fine
so won't you fly, fly, fly with me?

jonas brothers- fly with me

hello summer.

i've got 4 days left till i can have you.
i'm pretty excited about it.
3 months of fun and excitement.
every day being a new adventure.
seeing all my friends all the time.

then a while without somebody.
i'm scared for that part.

for now i'm gonna have to stick to the image of those 3 wonderful months...
and not about that week where it's gonna be depressing.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Friday, May 22, 2009


i miss you jeffrey.
and it hurts so bad that none of my friends understand.
they push it off like i should just be over this already.
it's like a slap in the face every single time.
and i know how many times i said i won't cry about this..
but it's impossible.
absolutely impossible.
i love you.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

------ - - - - -

so how much does it take to make you give up?
how many times can it happen before you do something about it?
how much more can you put yourself through?

it's time to change.
and we're not the only ones who have noticed.

Monday, May 18, 2009

because it's the only way to settle your heart.

progress- goot.

we live, we die
we go out of our minds
we talk about planets
we laugh, we cry
we keep track of the time
and how we take it for granted

we're moving forward
we're doing fine
we're making progress with our lives
but do we even know why?

look up at the sky
watch the sun burning bright
don't take it for granted
get up, get out
make a point of your life
you'll sit here forever

we're moving forward
we're doing fine
we're making progress with our lives
but do we even know why?

get up, get out
you'll stay here forever
do we know why?
we've got to make progress

we're making progress today

we're moving forward
we're doing fine
we're making progress with our lives
and we don't even know why

we're moving forward
we're doing fine
we're making progress with our lives
and we don't even know why.......

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

(no title)

ADVERSITY [ad-vur-si-tee]
adverse fortune or fate; a condition marked by misfortune, calamity, or distress.
2. an adverse or unfortunate event or circumstance.
3. a state of hardship or affliction; misfortune.
4. a calamitous event.

this was the topic of one of my AP Language prompts today.
one thing on my mind, as always.

a personal anecdote came into play in that essay, whether the damn college board likes it or not.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

may i?

let's just pretend...

it's that perfect temperature outside; warm enough but not boiling.
there's a light breeze blowing across your face.
the sun beats down on you and keeps you warm.
the smell of grass and clean air fills you up.
birds are chirping sweetly above you.
you're next to that one person you want to be next to more than anything.
your fingers are intertwined perfectly.
you're at peace with life.

may i just pretend that this month?

Sunday, May 3, 2009


some days i wonder if there's ever a point that i hit where eventually all i can do is put forth the effort, but never get the success.

contemplation at it's highest.

this is why i don't like thinking when i'm sick.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


i'm scared.
i don't want it to come.

it's my brother's 20th birthday, which is the happy part, of course.

but i also have a softball tournament that day.
far from here.
and the teams we're playing...
are far from here.

round one:
Kaneland High School vs. Prospect High School.

jeffrey, i'm playing your school with your name plastered across my back and imprinted on my mind.
please keep me strong through it.
i'm so scared.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sunday, April 19, 2009

have faith in me.

i said i'd never let you go
and i never did
i said i'd never let you fall
and i always meant it

i just hope my friends know this sometimes.
because i always have this feeling like some of them could care less.
i just want to be able to remind them that a boyfriend can only do so much... and that a best friend does the rest.

don't run away because you think you're in love; wait till you know it and take all the people you love with you.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

when will enough be enough?

i just can't take life lately.

my softball coach's son died yesterday.
he was about 21 years old, i'm not entirely sure.

my mind's been spun out of whack thinking about all these terrible things.
i can't sleep right.
i keep having this horrid flashbacks.

why can't i just catch a break?

i'm sick of all the heartache, for the people i know as well as myself.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

235 days.

and i'll be eighteen.
and this will be on my foot, where it should be right now.

all for you jeff, i love and miss you every day.

Monday, April 13, 2009

i just.....

i just really want to run away from the sadness in my life.

i can't take being consumed by it anymore, it's eating me alive.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

well then.

that sure was an interesting weekend.

friday was jeffrey's 18th birthday. rough, to say the least. my mind kept wandering no matter where i was. all i know is that he'll always be a year older than me, and if someone tells me different, they can suck it.
my brother, my cousin scott, and my aunt and uncle all got tatoos for him. i'm very jealous to say the least. i've always hated tatoos to be honest... but there was really something here that was just pulling me into it. my mother decided that there was no way in hell i was getting one. maybe when i turn 18 i will, who knows.

saturday was intense. i had a double header in the morning, and i actually played!$^*# it was fantastic to get out there. i only had one at bat, and i cranked the ball right back at the pitcher, but she caught it. it felt so good. then i had to rush home to get ready for ap tour. i changed in less than three minutes hahaha. then i drove pretty much 85 all the way there, and we missed a rocket to the moon and about half of hit the lights. not bad if i have to say so myself.. even though i was dying to see htl... :/. but it's okay cause family force 5 kicked everyone's ass times a thousand and i was super pumped that i saw them. still am.

and then today is easter. went to church, then had peopel over all day, they just left about a half hour ago. good times.
it's also my lucky number 7. :)

this was pretty much a really lame recollection of my weekend... but i felt like writing it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

i don't just want it; i need it.

softball season is one of my favorite things ever.

yeah, if you read this you might know how much i talk about it and about how i'm not playing right now... screw you right leg.

but i want to play so badddd.

the dirt just doesn't feel the same in the dugout.

i need to be at my base, i need to be able to wipe myself off after a dive or a slide, i need to be there to make that out... askjdghsd i just NEED IT.

it's slowly eating away at me that i can't play... i'm almost there... one week baby, one more week.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


i've begun to believe that thinking just makes things worse.
overthinking, underthinking, halfthinking, making up words about thinking...
it just feels like every time i think about a situation, it changes it far more than i hoped it would.
i mean, all i wanna do is understand what's happening... but i'm always creating new happenings in my mind.

i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

why can't i coast?

Monday, March 30, 2009

goodbye florida, hello... funeral?

i'm sad.
i hate deaths.

my friend's dad got into an accident on vacation in mexico, and he passed away.
he was my basketball coach in the best years of my sport, 6th-8th grade.
he was the man who taught me how to play volleyball.
i never saw him without a smile on his face or excitement in his voice.
he was always that crazy dad looking for his next thrill.
he was awesome.

i just feel horrible that i don't know her as well as i used to.
i just wish i could do something for her.

for now all i can do is pray.

r.i.p. mr. piechocki.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

hurry up, summer.

i've already decided one of the major things i want to do this summer:

attempt to watch each and every single alfred hitchcock movie.

big goal, i know... seeing as there's at least 60; not including any of the ones that were television episodes. ay yi yi... oh well, me and my grandma always get together and watch them, so she'll be excited :)

i just can't wait for summer.

and check out this poster, it's gonna probably go right above my bed:

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

beyond obsessed.

i love this video, a lot.

Monday, March 16, 2009

another slap in the face? of course!

i feel like crying.
but i don't want to feel sorry for myself.

i'm just really sick of the fact that when good things are coming to me, i get rejected by fate and thrown down a flight of stairs.

the only part i'm really pissed off about is the fact that i'm leaving for florida on sunday with the softball team and i might be on crutches.


i'm gonna go eat my feelings.
thank your george washington carver for creating the one thing that makes my pain go away.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

sweet disaster.

i hate those days when your mind is just full-out contemplative.
about pretty much everything.
you can never be fully at rest with how you feel or what you're doing because your head gets overcrowded with what ifs and maybes.

easing into things has never been good for me.
because i always wait too long.
i'm not one to jump right into something either.
there's just something with me that just has to do things at a slow pace that moves just fast enough.

it just adds to my problem with being a perfectionist.
but lately i've been starting to let go; let go of things that are only causing me stress.
it's gonna be a long road until i get far enough to say that i'm gonna be completely alright...
but it's good to know that the worst year of my life is almost 4 months away from me.

i'm lost in my own mind and i wanna know where i'm goin' next.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

who are you? who who...who who...

i love csi.
i stayed home from school today, and i've already watched about 6 episodes...
as much as i fear murder and stuff like this, i'm constantly watching it.
in a way i enjoy watching problem solving.
it's so exciting to see something so complex get unfolded into a simple situation.

and i love the original cast more than anything, just because.
okay, maybe it's just because of greg <3 .......

i mean, eric szmanda. :)

Sunday, March 8, 2009

hey jeff.

i've been thinking about you all week.

at softball the other day, we had a bit of a team-building day.
we had to tell everyone about some event that changed our lives.

while everyone chose their first day of high school and the first times they played softball... i chose you. losing you.

this experience is so hard.
there's something every day that reminds me of you.
it's killing me to think that out of all those times we spent together, i never knew the real you.
i tell myself every day that i shouldn't regret anything that's happened in my life... but i can't let this one go.
you were always there and we were always close... but it could have been different.

for now i'll just look at my batting gloves and your initials on them; because this season, this varsity season... i'm playing for you.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of it all.

i want spring break now, i need to get on that plane and go to florida.
i need my mind, body, heart, and soul to be in softball.

it's the only thing that sets me free.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

how much?!

good news and happiness comes at a price.
no, not money... unfortunately.
but it seems like every single time something good happens, the bad news follows twice as hard.
there's gotta be someone who is the teller of this bad news, and there's gotta be a way to pay them off.
i'm not against bribery.
just let the pain stop... i'll do anything.

auntie frannie... franshka..., you can beat this... you're too strong of a woman to let this take you down.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

pretty much.

i watch so many csi and crime and law and order and whatever type shows.
and i really don't think anything of it.
i just watch it and i think it's totally awesome.

but i'm sitting here and there's a car that's been parked outside my house blocking my driveway for the past half hour, and i'm scared shitless.

i keep thinking i'm gonna be the next episode.
why do i always freak out and overanalyze everything?

oh, right, it's cause I'M CRAZY.
well, maybe not crazy, exactly... but i'm pretty out there, that's for sure.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well.

what happens when you finally stop questioning the logic behind every situation and just let in the reality of life in the sense of "whatever happens, happens." ?

the kind of happiness that people only dream about.

happiness is happening.

Saturday, February 14, 2009


all you really need to do is laugh at yourself and your friends.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

screw facebook!

i was looking at all those "25 things" notes that everyone wrote, and i thought about doing it... but then i never did.
and i don't wanna do it on facebook anymore, so i'm gonna do it on here :)

1. i don't have a definite style of clothing, whatsoever... i just like colors and even if i don't think some things will go together well, i'll do it anyway, i love experimenting.

2. i tell people how much my brother annoys me and how i like it better when he's not home; but i know it's not completely true. i miss him all the time.

3. my family is really important to me. i've got a pretty big extended family because my dad used to be 1 of 10 kids, and well, we're all together a lot. but pretty much i only have about 5 cousins that i'm really close to out of all my... literally 50-ish. and i still miss jeffrey every day. (2 months gone today <3)

4. i hate my hair. everyone thinks they want curly hair, but i tell them no. i hate my curls and they frustrate me so much, which is why i only asked for a straightener for christmas.

5. i love coloring. and construction paper. and glitter. and pretty much any type of arts and crafts. i've always been artsy and such in random ways, and i want to work and michael's or hobby lobby sooooo baddddd.

6. i chew my gum really obnoxiously. i can't help it, so please don't get annoyed of me... i mean, i like chewing gum and everything, but i just know how much people hate it when i chew like a cow. i apologize in advance.

7. i use excess amounts of the following: ketchup, mayonnaise, peanut butter, and salad dressing. you can tell me how gross it is every single time, and i'll tell you too bad every time too.

8. i'm so lucky to be hitting 5 months tomorrow. my guy is really sweet, and he makes me smile every single day. he really means a lot to me. <3

9. i used to be die-hard sports and athletics in general, but i tore my acl in 8th grade and i still haven't recovered from it fully. that might be why you see me limping sometimes or complaining about knee pain... but now i'm all about softball. (please don't call me a man, it gets old reaaaaal fast. )

10. i don't like school too much anymore. i've lost so much will power since right before winter break, and i feel like life needs to be lived because you don't know when it's going to end... so i don't like the idea of homework anymore.

11. i'm not a hermit that sits in my house and listens to and stalks the jonas brothers all day, so i'd appreciate it if people didn't think i was a crazed fan... thank you.

12. i love videogames. i grew up around all boys, so that's where i learned it all. i've got my n64 still hooked up at my house, so hit me up and we can play the classics like mario kart and mario partyyyy.

13. i love my friends. i'm so lucky to have all of them, really. without them i don't think i'd have any idea who i was.

14. my mom worked at my grade school, and i got so many special priveleges. it's really unfair but now that i look back on it, without that i would have died in that shithole of a catholic institution.

15. i only swear when i get really frustrated with whatever i'm talking about. or when i get really excited. and if i am swearing, you'll be able to tell if it's the mad type or the excited one hahahaha.

16. i'm such a perfectionist. i'm trying to get better, but when i have to do a project or something, i get crazy. i'll always be a stressed out mess and i'll go over everything like 4 times more than i need to.

17. i'm also a huge procrastinator. like right now i'm supposed to be working on a sociology project and reading the grapes of wrath. obviously i am doing neither. bad choice.

18. i love fire. i'm always playing with it and burning things. my mom has realized that she can't leave me alone with a candle anymore.

19. i don't regret anything i've done, because there's no reason to constantly think about the past instead of moving ahead into the future.

20. i'm obsessed with harry potter. full out. i love everything about all the books and i know most of the words to all the movies. me and my friend have a marathon of all the movies before we go to see the new ones, it's awesome.

21. i hate being sad, but it consumes most of my time.

22. i'm a huge pessimist in most cases, so please bear with me... i can't fight it.

23. i am a cubs/cardinals fan, and the sox can go suck a dick. :P who cares how much you win, it's more about the pride and the love of the game in my eyes.

24. i hate when people talk about me behind my back. i think it's shallow. it proves that you don't have the guts to say it to my face either, making you a scared little bitch, ususally. i especially hate when it has something to do with the relationships i have with my friends though... that bugs me so much. and i SWEAR if another person says that they think my boyfriend is going to cheat on me with my best friend, i'll shank them. give it up, if i can't trust those two, who can i trust? grrr...

25. i've realized that i don't ever want to be "popular" again, by any means whatsoever. i'd rather just live my life being myself and having as much fun as i can, instead of knowing the most people i can. i don't know, i find it more rewarding to get excited about the things i want to get excited about, instead of always restraining myself like i used to... and it's stupid i know, but i've realized that there are some days when i actually do miss my old best friends.

there it is, 25 random facts about yours truly.
get to know me though, there are only so many things you can say through a computer screen.

Monday, February 9, 2009

i need a place.

there's gonna be a day, very soon, where i go and look for a place.
not just any place, but one where i can just go and think...
far away from what i know but close enough to where i need not go far.

i just need one.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

live for the good times.

i love it when you're just happy.
and when you can just sit there and put one thing on your mind and it just makes you smile.
i haven't felt this way in a very very long time...
and i'm thankful that's it's back.

on a different note,
the grammy's are on tonight!
woo woo yeaaah.

it's gonna be good, i love awards shows.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

life is like a box o chocolates, ya never know what ya gonna get.

forrest gump is my all-time favorite movie.
it's the one movie that i can watch over and over again, and never get bored of it.

(that might explain why i've watched it about 4-5 times this week)

it's just the basic storyline of love at first sight, with some of the most defining moments in american history over the past 30 years influenced by one man named forrest.

it's crazy. i don't even know how to describe it.

but every single time i've ever watched it, i tend to recite the lines... but there's one line that i don't say out loud.
this one i have to hear for myself, because it sinks so deep.

"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."

i agree entirely, forrest.

Monday, February 2, 2009

you're strapped down, with your blindfolded eyes

i've decided that this is my favorite song right now.
it's helping me with some... issues.

urbanites: electric; city of the future.

we're the same,
can't you see through my skin..?
pink inside,
there is no difference.
but with such a fine line between;
right is right you'll always be wrong.

it's too late for you to turn things around.
there's no time for you,
you're on your way out.
well just close your eyes and let it go
there's no reason you should hold on.

don't wait, don't wait;
just put it behind you.
bury, bury...
the past is behind you.

you're strapped down,
with your blindfolded eyes.
the electrician is waitin' for a sign,
but the call that you've been waitin' for;
never comes, never goes through...

it's too late for you to turn things around.
there's no time for you,
you're on your way out.
well just close your eyes and let it go
there's no reason you should hold on.

don't wait, don't wait
just put it behind you.
bury, bury...
the past is behind you.

who knows if those lyrics are even right.
it's what i hear.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

that's how the whispers start

hello super bowl sunday.
i used to love you and long for you ...
but now i just can't stand you anymore.

because that day in 2006 was not a good one for me;
it shifted my life into a totally different direction.

i'm thankful for it though,
it's made me realize greater exactly who i am.

i know one door opens when another one closes...
but sometimes i wish that the door i thought would close after that day
would stop getting caught.


Thursday, January 29, 2009

i am what i am.

so i was thinking about this blogging business the other day, and i realized that it's supposed to be about me... about MY LIFE.
and then it hit me that i never discussed one of the biggest parts of my life:

the jonas brothers.

yeah yeah, laugh all you want, see if i care.
those three boys mean so much to me.
i've got all 3 albums, i know the words to 61 songs, i've been to 5 concerts, i've been at 1 m&g, and i'm in 1 music video.

shit man. i don't want this to sound like i'm bragging whatsoever, because trust me... if i wanted to brag, this is what i'd probably say to any jonas fan i've ever met.
honestly, i keep it on the down low... i mean, it's not that i'm embarrassed in any way of kevin, joe, and nick, it's just... this is something really personal for me.

it's just one of those things that i keep deep inside of me and let it out when i feel necessary.

i'm always going to love these three boys and their music, even if they start hating the fans again, let the fame get to their heads, and even if the music isn't that fantastic.
because there's something about them (suggest looks and i'll hurt you) that keeps me hanging on to them... i've known about them for real since july 17th, 2007 and i couldn't be happier to have found out.

i'll never be ashamed to say that they've changed my life.
i'll never be afraid to say that i've screamed, cried, laughed, and gotten hurt because of them.
i'll never be offended by people who don't like them.
i'll never be scared to tell my kids one day of the three boys that overtook my walls, life, mind, and heart.

i'll never be fearful of stating that because of them...

i am what i am.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Saturday, January 24, 2009

where's the light?

i took a shower in complete darkness today.
it was kinda weird, but cool at the same time.

it helped me think... about everything.

it's like... just when you think everything in your life is crashing down
and you stand there with the tears running down your face
mixed with the water of the shower
and the steam around your face

it hits you

the heat of the water pounding down on you
each drop is like a tear; shed by someone you know...
the person you never talk to
or the person you talk to every day.

you realize that there are so many people out there
who have it so much worse than you
and their lives are day-in and day-out suffering.

and all you can ask is

if these people are stuck in such a darkness,
why can't we just turn on the light?

it's because no matter how bright the light shines on situations of suffering
there's always going to be a shadow of pain.

and that is one thing that can never, ever be altered.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

do something good.

so ready for this.

june 6th-june 7th, 2009.
i love you aunt nancy, and you can beat this.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

bring it on.

i'm actually laughing at myself today.
it's pathetic how i take such pointless things so seriously.
i've got much better things to do with my time; and my life.
finals were good, and i really had no reason to freak as much as i did.
and i got my winter ball dress!

i'm stoked for this week to end.
i don't think i've ever used the word stoked before.
either way.... i'm PUMPEDDD.

and i got my ap tour tickets in the mail todayyy! :)

just gotta move on now.
life is in drive and i can't sit and wait for the bus.

"Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

rock n' roll and live for the weekend.

i'd like to live until the weekend.

finals are fucking eating me alive.

also, fuck winter ball. i hate drama. hatehatehatehatehate drama.

but especially when i'm the one being argued about.


today is pretty much the worst day i've had in a long time.

and i hate swearing, but today my favorite word, if you haven't noticed, is fuck.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

release your high hopes and they'll survive; cause this is the future and you are alive

there's gonna be a day,

just one day, out of the blue,

where everything's gonna change again.

i can just feel it happening, 

and i'm scared.

i'm so afraid of what the future holds nowadays...

because the unexpected does continue to happen,

unfortunately quite often in my family.

sometimes i just want to sleep and never wake up,

so that i can continue to live in my dream world where everything works out...

but since i can't live in a fictional world,

and that these happenings are a reality...

i just hope i'm prepared for it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

hey boy now what's your problem?

i'm addicted to callahan today.

and i think i'm basically one of the approximately 5 people in the entire district that is really pissed off that we don't have school tomorrow.


anyways, i guess i'm just gonna have to suck it up and study for finals.

ew finals.

i need to go sleep.i'm rambling, and this is the most random blog post ever.

la la la la.

my my sweet mona lisa; she's got a smile that could turn my life around.

shoutout to all the right moves, yeah.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Monday, January 12, 2009

so turn the music up; you're hearing more than sound.

snow is one of my favorite things in the entire world.

it, quite ironically, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside; and it always seems to put a smile on my face without fail.

i dunno, i just love it.

pssssssst. 4 months ;)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

i've ended my tears, but i can't stop the pain.

one month gone.

a lifetime missed out on.

god, why you... why YOU?

it's over and done with and nothing can change it, but as of this moment... as of right now, i won't cry about it anymore.

i'll always, always, always miss you... but now it's time that you deserve a smile when i think about you.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

i'm addicted.

i think because this is so new that i'm stuck on it.

but i've noticed that everything i'm writing about is confusion.

well, not for long... because i finally realized that i'm no longer confused about something that troubles me each and every waking moment of every day:

i'm happy.

Friday, January 9, 2009

now your tactics are viral, the future is spiraling against your best instincts...

i worry.

about everything.

all day today, i realized how intense it is.

like, what if i fail apus.

what if i freeze to death during this fire drill.

what if i fall down these stairs.

what if i bomb this test.

what if i eat myself alive with all these what ifs.


then it reminded me of that one insurance commercial with snoopy, and it got me thinking about things.

where's the thrill in living if there aren't any ifs in life?

yep. and that is where i'm stuck.

ifs or no ifs, that is the question.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

i've changed my mind.

my mind flip flops more than it should.

back and forth like a wheel, i'm constantly changing how i feel about things.

lately i've taken to trusting my heart,

for it's gotten me the people i trust most in life.

but today at physical therapy i was wondering...

what happens when my heart wants something so illogical that i don't have a choice but to follow it?

and i'm confused again.

head versus heart; the battle shall never end.

you know what i realized?

that everytime i start out a good day, it falls apart.

this sucks.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

did i really?

yeah, i did go out and buy little letter beads.

but i've basically been craving a bracelet made out of them for a whiiiile.

so now it says allison marie on my wrist :)

dear jeff:

during physics today, i couldn't concentrate.

i was thinking about you the whole time.

i stared at your picture on my assignment notebook, and my heart sank.

i miss you.

it'll be one month this sunday since you left us, and i don't want to believe it.

your family was over on saturday to celebrate our malewig christmas--as always.

it obviously wasn't the same.

what was eight is now seven, and what was four is now three.

it hurts, jeff... living without you.

you and scott may be my cousins, but i'll always consider you my other two older brothers.

for now i'm going to have to hold on to the memories we made growing up...

and to fight back tears when we take our first chicago trip without you this year.

you're always on my mind jeff, and i'll never forget you.


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

a new beginning, i guess.

well now, i'm not one who chooses to write down my feelings too much... (at least not when other people might be reading it) but i kinda felt this random urge to... hm... what's the word... not profess, more like depose or admit my feelings into a different place besides the notebook i've hidden in my bedroom.

i doubt anyone will read much of my daily strife, yet i felt like this could be fun to just get out of my head and to a new area of print.