i am what i am.

so i was thinking about this blogging business the other day, and i realized that it's supposed to be about me... about MY LIFE.
and then it hit me that i never discussed one of the biggest parts of my life:

the jonas brothers.

yeah yeah, laugh all you want, see if i care.
those three boys mean so much to me.
i've got all 3 albums, i know the words to 61 songs, i've been to 5 concerts, i've been at 1 m&g, and i'm in 1 music video.

shit man. i don't want this to sound like i'm bragging whatsoever, because trust me... if i wanted to brag, this is what i'd probably say to any jonas fan i've ever met.
honestly, i keep it on the down low... i mean, it's not that i'm embarrassed in any way of kevin, joe, and nick, it's just... this is something really personal for me.

it's just one of those things that i keep deep inside of me and let it out when i feel necessary.

i'm always going to love these three boys and their music, even if they start hating the fans again, let the fame get to their heads, and even if the music isn't that fantastic.
because there's something about them (suggest looks and i'll hurt you) that keeps me hanging on to them... i've known about them for real since july 17th, 2007 and i couldn't be happier to have found out.

i'll never be ashamed to say that they've changed my life.
i'll never be afraid to say that i've screamed, cried, laughed, and gotten hurt because of them.
i'll never be offended by people who don't like them.
i'll never be scared to tell my kids one day of the three boys that overtook my walls, life, mind, and heart.

i'll never be fearful of stating that because of them...

i am what i am.

it's time to change.

where's the light?

i took a shower in complete darkness today.
it was kinda weird, but cool at the same time.

it helped me think... about everything.

it's like... just when you think everything in your life is crashing down
and you stand there with the tears running down your face
mixed with the water of the shower
and the steam around your face

it hits you

the heat of the water pounding down on you
each drop is like a tear; shed by someone you know...
the person you never talk to
or the person you talk to every day.

you realize that there are so many people out there
who have it so much worse than you
and their lives are day-in and day-out suffering.

and all you can ask is

if these people are stuck in such a darkness,
why can't we just turn on the light?

it's because no matter how bright the light shines on situations of suffering
there's always going to be a shadow of pain.

and that is one thing that can never, ever be altered.

do something good.

so ready for this.

june 6th-june 7th, 2009.
i love you aunt nancy, and you can beat this.

bring it on.

i'm actually laughing at myself today.
it's pathetic how i take such pointless things so seriously.
i've got much better things to do with my time; and my life.
finals were good, and i really had no reason to freak as much as i did.
and i got my winter ball dress!
iloveeeeit.

i'm stoked for this week to end.
i don't think i've ever used the word stoked before.
either way.... i'm PUMPEDDD.

and i got my ap tour tickets in the mail todayyy! :)

just gotta move on now.
life is in drive and i can't sit and wait for the bus.



"Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies."

rock n' roll and live for the weekend.

i'd like to live until the weekend.

finals are fucking eating me alive.

also, fuck winter ball. i hate drama. hatehatehatehatehate drama.

but especially when i'm the one being argued about.

fuckmylife.

today is pretty much the worst day i've had in a long time.

and i hate swearing, but today my favorite word, if you haven't noticed, is fuck.

release your high hopes and they'll survive; cause this is the future and you are alive

there's gonna be a day,

just one day, out of the blue,

where everything's gonna change again.

i can just feel it happening, 

and i'm scared.

i'm so afraid of what the future holds nowadays...

because the unexpected does continue to happen,

unfortunately quite often in my family.

sometimes i just want to sleep and never wake up,

so that i can continue to live in my dream world where everything works out...

but since i can't live in a fictional world,

and that these happenings are a reality...

i just hope i'm prepared for it.

hey boy now what's your problem?

i'm addicted to callahan today.

and i think i'm basically one of the approximately 5 people in the entire district that is really pissed off that we don't have school tomorrow.

arghhhh.

anyways, i guess i'm just gonna have to suck it up and study for finals.

ew finals.

i need to go sleep.i'm rambling, and this is the most random blog post ever.

la la la la.

my my sweet mona lisa; she's got a smile that could turn my life around.

shoutout to all the right moves, yeah.

THE END.

"hey, wait!" "yeah?" "smile."

so turn the music up; you're hearing more than sound.

snow is one of my favorite things in the entire world.

it, quite ironically, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside; and it always seems to put a smile on my face without fail.

i dunno, i just love it.

pssssssst. 4 months ;)

i've ended my tears, but i can't stop the pain.

one month gone.

a lifetime missed out on.

god, why you... why YOU?

it's over and done with and nothing can change it, but as of this moment... as of right now, i won't cry about it anymore.

i'll always, always, always miss you... but now it's time that you deserve a smile when i think about you.

i'm addicted.

i think because this is so new that i'm stuck on it.

but i've noticed that everything i'm writing about is confusion.

well, not for long... because i finally realized that i'm no longer confused about something that troubles me each and every waking moment of every day:

i'm happy.

now your tactics are viral, the future is spiraling against your best instincts...

i worry.

about everything.

all day today, i realized how intense it is.

like, what if i fail apus.

what if i freeze to death during this fire drill.

what if i fall down these stairs.

what if i bomb this test.

what if i eat myself alive with all these what ifs.

?!?!?!

then it reminded me of that one insurance commercial with snoopy, and it got me thinking about things.

where's the thrill in living if there aren't any ifs in life?

yep. and that is where i'm stuck.

ifs or no ifs, that is the question.

i've changed my mind.

my mind flip flops more than it should.

back and forth like a wheel, i'm constantly changing how i feel about things.

lately i've taken to trusting my heart,

for it's gotten me the people i trust most in life.

but today at physical therapy i was wondering...

what happens when my heart wants something so illogical that i don't have a choice but to follow it?

and i'm confused again.

head versus heart; the battle shall never end.

you know what i realized?

that everytime i start out a good day, it falls apart.

this sucks.

did i really?

yeah, i did go out and buy little letter beads.

but i've basically been craving a bracelet made out of them for a whiiiile.

so now it says allison marie on my wrist :)

dear jeff:

during physics today, i couldn't concentrate.

i was thinking about you the whole time.

i stared at your picture on my assignment notebook, and my heart sank.

i miss you.

it'll be one month this sunday since you left us, and i don't want to believe it.

your family was over on saturday to celebrate our malewig christmas--as always.

it obviously wasn't the same.

what was eight is now seven, and what was four is now three.

it hurts, jeff... living without you.

you and scott may be my cousins, but i'll always consider you my other two older brothers.

for now i'm going to have to hold on to the memories we made growing up...

and to fight back tears when we take our first chicago trip without you this year.

you're always on my mind jeff, and i'll never forget you.

4.10.91-12.11.08<3

a new beginning, i guess.

well now, i'm not one who chooses to write down my feelings too much... (at least not when other people might be reading it) but i kinda felt this random urge to... hm... what's the word... not profess, more like depose or admit my feelings into a different place besides the notebook i've hidden in my bedroom.

i doubt anyone will read much of my daily strife, yet i felt like this could be fun to just get out of my head and to a new area of print.

--allison.