goodbye florida, hello... funeral?

i'm sad.
i hate deaths.

my friend's dad got into an accident on vacation in mexico, and he passed away.
he was my basketball coach in the best years of my sport, 6th-8th grade.
he was the man who taught me how to play volleyball.
i never saw him without a smile on his face or excitement in his voice.
he was always that crazy dad looking for his next thrill.
he was awesome.

i just feel horrible that i don't know her as well as i used to.
i just wish i could do something for her.

for now all i can do is pray.

r.i.p. mr. piechocki.

hurry up, summer.

i've already decided one of the major things i want to do this summer:

attempt to watch each and every single alfred hitchcock movie.

big goal, i know... seeing as there's at least 60; not including any of the ones that were television episodes. ay yi yi... oh well, me and my grandma always get together and watch them, so she'll be excited :)

i just can't wait for summer.

and check out this poster, it's gonna probably go right above my bed:

beyond obsessed.

i love this video, a lot.

another slap in the face? of course!

i feel like crying.
but i don't want to feel sorry for myself.

i'm just really sick of the fact that when good things are coming to me, i get rejected by fate and thrown down a flight of stairs.

the only part i'm really pissed off about is the fact that i'm leaving for florida on sunday with the softball team and i might be on crutches.

fuuuuuuck.

i'm gonna go eat my feelings.
thank your george washington carver for creating the one thing that makes my pain go away.

sweet disaster.

i hate those days when your mind is just full-out contemplative.
about pretty much everything.
you can never be fully at rest with how you feel or what you're doing because your head gets overcrowded with what ifs and maybes.

easing into things has never been good for me.
because i always wait too long.
i'm not one to jump right into something either.
there's just something with me that just has to do things at a slow pace that moves just fast enough.

it just adds to my problem with being a perfectionist.
but lately i've been starting to let go; let go of things that are only causing me stress.
it's gonna be a long road until i get far enough to say that i'm gonna be completely alright...
but it's good to know that the worst year of my life is almost 4 months away from me.

i'm lost in my own mind and i wanna know where i'm goin' next.

who are you? who who...who who...

i love csi.
i stayed home from school today, and i've already watched about 6 episodes...
as much as i fear murder and stuff like this, i'm constantly watching it.
in a way i enjoy watching problem solving.
it's so exciting to see something so complex get unfolded into a simple situation.

and i love the original cast more than anything, just because.
okay, maybe it's just because of greg <3 .......

i mean, eric szmanda. :)

hey jeff.

i've been thinking about you all week.

at softball the other day, we had a bit of a team-building day.
we had to tell everyone about some event that changed our lives.

while everyone chose their first day of high school and the first times they played softball... i chose you. losing you.

this experience is so hard.
there's something every day that reminds me of you.
it's killing me to think that out of all those times we spent together, i never knew the real you.
i tell myself every day that i shouldn't regret anything that's happened in my life... but i can't let this one go.
you were always there and we were always close... but it could have been different.

for now i'll just look at my batting gloves and your initials on them; because this season, this varsity season... i'm playing for you.

...............

@$*(#^%##$*

i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of it all.

i want spring break now, i need to get on that plane and go to florida.
i need my mind, body, heart, and soul to be in softball.

it's the only thing that sets me free.