Wednesday, April 29, 2009


i'm scared.
i don't want it to come.

it's my brother's 20th birthday, which is the happy part, of course.

but i also have a softball tournament that day.
far from here.
and the teams we're playing...
are far from here.

round one:
Kaneland High School vs. Prospect High School.

jeffrey, i'm playing your school with your name plastered across my back and imprinted on my mind.
please keep me strong through it.
i'm so scared.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sunday, April 19, 2009

have faith in me.

i said i'd never let you go
and i never did
i said i'd never let you fall
and i always meant it

i just hope my friends know this sometimes.
because i always have this feeling like some of them could care less.
i just want to be able to remind them that a boyfriend can only do so much... and that a best friend does the rest.

don't run away because you think you're in love; wait till you know it and take all the people you love with you.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

when will enough be enough?

i just can't take life lately.

my softball coach's son died yesterday.
he was about 21 years old, i'm not entirely sure.

my mind's been spun out of whack thinking about all these terrible things.
i can't sleep right.
i keep having this horrid flashbacks.

why can't i just catch a break?

i'm sick of all the heartache, for the people i know as well as myself.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

235 days.

and i'll be eighteen.
and this will be on my foot, where it should be right now.

all for you jeff, i love and miss you every day.

Monday, April 13, 2009

i just.....

i just really want to run away from the sadness in my life.

i can't take being consumed by it anymore, it's eating me alive.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

well then.

that sure was an interesting weekend.

friday was jeffrey's 18th birthday. rough, to say the least. my mind kept wandering no matter where i was. all i know is that he'll always be a year older than me, and if someone tells me different, they can suck it.
my brother, my cousin scott, and my aunt and uncle all got tatoos for him. i'm very jealous to say the least. i've always hated tatoos to be honest... but there was really something here that was just pulling me into it. my mother decided that there was no way in hell i was getting one. maybe when i turn 18 i will, who knows.

saturday was intense. i had a double header in the morning, and i actually played!$^*# it was fantastic to get out there. i only had one at bat, and i cranked the ball right back at the pitcher, but she caught it. it felt so good. then i had to rush home to get ready for ap tour. i changed in less than three minutes hahaha. then i drove pretty much 85 all the way there, and we missed a rocket to the moon and about half of hit the lights. not bad if i have to say so myself.. even though i was dying to see htl... :/. but it's okay cause family force 5 kicked everyone's ass times a thousand and i was super pumped that i saw them. still am.

and then today is easter. went to church, then had peopel over all day, they just left about a half hour ago. good times.
it's also my lucky number 7. :)

this was pretty much a really lame recollection of my weekend... but i felt like writing it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

i don't just want it; i need it.

softball season is one of my favorite things ever.

yeah, if you read this you might know how much i talk about it and about how i'm not playing right now... screw you right leg.

but i want to play so badddd.

the dirt just doesn't feel the same in the dugout.

i need to be at my base, i need to be able to wipe myself off after a dive or a slide, i need to be there to make that out... askjdghsd i just NEED IT.

it's slowly eating away at me that i can't play... i'm almost there... one week baby, one more week.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


i've begun to believe that thinking just makes things worse.
overthinking, underthinking, halfthinking, making up words about thinking...
it just feels like every time i think about a situation, it changes it far more than i hoped it would.
i mean, all i wanna do is understand what's happening... but i'm always creating new happenings in my mind.

i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

why can't i coast?